blessed in pictures

I was going to write two wordy posts about some blessings in my life.

I think pictures will suffice. Moreover, I think my crazy words might get in the way.

Event #1: my kids. They're not really an event, more like an establishment of blessing right now. I know this is only Benja & Glory, but enjoy nonetheless. I am so thankful for them.

I don't know why he's such a cute poser, he just is.

Event #2: A bunch of our friends came together to pray with us about our upcoming trip to Boston next weekend. Again, my words will muddle this up - but I see God's faithfulness in this so much. I really love my friends and I love how much they love Jesus.

Thank you friends. Thank you Jesus for the family & friends.

the good portion, the final verdict.

warning: this is a long heart-y explanation of a minor life decision that you can skip to the end to read about.

What does it mean to be a woman? A godly woman?

I don't think I've wrestled with a question bigger than this, ever. Is that silly?

For some reason, it is easy for me to believe the Lord in some very big things that He promises us that don't totally make sense. Like, He loves us. He forgives us. He will provide for us. But, what I really want to sit down and grill Jesus about, "If you meant for me to be a biblical woman, why didn't you make me better at it?". Let me give you some phrases scripture uses to talk about what women are supposed to be like: reverent, self controlled, teaching younger women, pure, working at home, submissive, loving, gentle and quiet spirit. I really believe Him that His plan is always best and therefore, I want to follow it... but if I've said it once, I've said it a million times - "Lord, if you want me to be a biblical woman, why did you create me to seem so different from this?".

As time has gone by, I've seen his answer for me. If He'd given me the ability to master this on my own, for me - my pride would be blinding. Some women are born wonderful cooks with patient voices and no anxiety whatsoever. You know, like Mrs. Duggar. Maybe she can do it with humility, but I really believe that if the Lord had not brought me to desire a picture of biblical womanhood for my own life in a way that made me truly seek after it - if He'd just born me out as this mini-betty-crocker, I'd be the one getting the glory, not Him (atleast in my own mind). But now, when I get through a day without raising my voice - I praise the One who has made me quiet! I could weep over those words, He has given me a quiet voice for minutes, hours, days, or seconds when normally - my sinful flesh would want to yell. When I make a meal that pleases my husband and nourishes my family, there isn't an ounce of pride - because I know Jessi would have burned that meal and used feta when I was supposed to use mozz. Somehow, the Holy Spirit is even enabling me to cook and feed my family, and to take joy in it!

So, when people ask to pray for me lately - I almost always tell them the same thing to pray for. Ability. God has humbled me and shown me the weight of my job as a wife and mother. I used to see it as not enough and now I see it as too much. Three small children with physical needs and emotional needs and spiritual needs, and my sinful flesh fails before my alarm goes off at 5am. I ask everyone to pray for the Lord to give me ability - to care for these children, to love my husband, to serve them, and to carry the burden of pushing them closer to Jesus daily.

The sweetest part, He is answering that prayer. Still, no award winning days where I save the whole world or get all the laundry done - but He is increasing my ability and my joy in my job. Through prayer and the council of other women, I'm finding there is actually time in the day to get it all done. If I truly leave it all on the floor, pour myself out as a drink offering, and put my own self desires and plans aside - He will help me accomplish the tasks set before me in the hours of the day, while giving me grace for the next.

The semi-sad part, I don't think the Lord is giving me permission for two jobs anymore. If I spend my effort and time and energy into doing side design work that is fun and not my main focus, I'm expending this miraculous energy and ability on the wrong task. Maybe later, when the burden isn't so heavy and I get a kid or two in school or I all of a sudden become a rockstar who can get all the laundry done and have a quiet time and have friends and be a mom.

Until then, no more side job.

No more design jobs.

No more Naptime Diaries & design.

Just Naptime Diaries. Just Jessi.

Praying for ability & grace and a bigger understanding of Jesus.

There's a lot more I'd like to say about this, but I'm pretty sure it's way more important to me than it is to anyone else - so I'll keep it to myself. Thank you for your business, your referrals, & your support in my little side business. Maybe one day it will be back!

But I'm not holding my breath:)

beautiful, beautiful art

Of all the projects I've worked on in the last few months, helping Miss Kelly Bollman get her website started up has been my favorite, by far. I don't know what else to say, you really just HAVE to look at her website. You really just have to commission her for a piece of art. You just have to. Because, come on - look at it! Here is my, obviously, favorite thing she's done. It's a BEAUTIFUL painting of my sister & brother in law! Katie hired Kelly to do this for Josh's birthday and I've been wanting to blog about it for a month! So happy late birthday Josh & happy business Kelly.

Seriously, a) peruse the site & pass it on.

b) hire her. before she is tooooo famous.

www.kellybollman.com

menus & gluten free

I think while a good portion of people might have the goal to become more organized, I literally make lists of how to become less organized. I'm not saying I'm outwardly organized (the cabinet under my sink looks like a paper bag factory blew up), but inwardly - every minute is accounted for and I have about sixteen running lists.

A recent to-do-to-become-more-relaxed item on my list was: attempt to go grocery shopping without a list or a plan for meals. I just wanted to see how the other half lives, ok? I'm always so interested when people say they're going to start meal planning because I actually have no idea how they know what to buy otherwise.

The results: I spent $20 on who-knows-what, got a headache, and came home to make a plan.

Spontaneity is just not my strong suit, and I'm ok with it.

Also, on a related note - I had a blog up for about an hour last week about going gluten & dairy free. I took it down because it was really sarcastic and I don't really like hearing sarcasm in my own (writing) voice, it doesn't sound right. But anyhow, I'm going dairy and gluten free for the sake of my thyroid which would seem like a massive inconvenience except I'm also going to have to start GIVING MYSELF SHOTS, which makes cutting out gluten and dairy look just stupid in comparison. Anything for the old endocrine system, right? No really, I'll do anything endocrine system - just help a sister out!

So, since I haven't written about meals/food in a while and I'm recently dairy & gluten free and I definitely planned my meals and groceries this week, why not blog about it? Will you do the same? ESPECIALLY if it's gluten or dairy free:)

Meals this week:

(monday) sausage, quinoa, & sweet potatoes. Basically using this recipe without the cabbage wraps.

(tuesday) brown rice, chicken verde in the crockpot with beans. [I saw I had frozen chicken, brown rice, green peppers, & mixed beans!] Now let's just see if I remember to soak the beans.

(wednesday) tacos al pastor. Something like this but adding mangoes & Trader Joe's precooked carnitas that is SUPER CHEAP! I won't be eating a tortilla, but I WILL be throwing some goat cheese on mine!

(thursday) We're having a cookout! Yay! To pray for our upcoming trip to Boston! Double yay! The usual suspects of hamburgers & hotdogs will show up and I'll also make a gluten free pasta salad for myself with brown rice pasta, peppers, garlic, & heirloom tomatoes.

(friday) leek & potato soup.

Oh, that was fun for me. Seriously. I love a plan about as much as I love food.

And I love that I finally have blogging material for this week! Some teasers?

a) A design project I've been dying to show but have had to wait. It will make your day brighter, but not because of me.

b) A major (really minor, I'm being dramatic) life decision and how I reached it.

c) What's up with Boston and are we still moving? Ever?

and lastly..... d) I need to blog about my kids. They're blowing my mind lately. Like this.

Ok. Happy Monday, yall!

to get me through the weekend.

This is my kiddo's favorite new game: worship leading.

celebrating Scarlet

I've been designing a lot of baby shower invitations lately, a lot of super fun ones - and for some reason, haven't been blogging about them. I'm going to do that soon. Today, is all about one of the most fun invitations I got to do a while ago.

My friend, Marcy, is a lady who I super admire. She somehow exudes femininity while raising two very fun and masculine little boys. She is beautiful like you wouldn't believe and loves Jesus in a fervent and humble manner. When I'm around her, I ultimately feel spurred on to be more gentle and loving - as well as more fashionable and accessorized!

I'm just thrilled to pieces that God saw fit to bless her with a little lady-baby to raise. Scarlet will be here soon and I'm so thrilled to learn from Marcy, even long distance, and to see their family grow and change as they welcome her in!

So, of course, the invitation was fun to design because Marcy's personal style is so strong and feminine all at once - but I especially wanted to blog about the design because I have to miss the shower tonight! AGH! Nick has a band practice he cannot get out of and so I'll be here, at home, thinking of all the stylish women celebrating Scarlet and wishing I was there!

Marcy, I really have loved getting to know you and I

cannot wait to see you as a mother of three!

spa day

Do you need a spa day? I sure do. Oh gosh, what would you DO if you had an all-expense paid spa day? I'd do some sort of coffee exfoliation goodness, a hair treatment, definitely a mani/pedi, and maybe even a detoxifying body wrap. I shouldn't have even started thinking about it. (ps: as I was typing that, I got an email from groupon about half off a body wrap at the The Westin Bellevue - someone should jump on that!)

Ok, well here is my prescription for a non-spa day/spa day.

1) A shot of B6. Go to your nearest naturopath and get one. Good for energy and nervous system. Yesterday, my doctor gave me one and - I got more accomplished after 8pm than I have in months. This morning, it's back to the yawns and the shakes. Yikes.

2) Honey-yogurt-egg yolk mask. This is seriously the greatest natural face mask I've ever tried. Little bit of plain yogurt, one egg yolk, and a big old dollop of honey. The egg yolk helps the preteen-hormonal-issues that women in their twenties & thirties should not have to deal with and inevitably still do, the honey helps for glow, and who knows what the yogurt does! Makes the whole thing smell a bit better? I love it! I'm going to go slather it on my face right now while I get the house ready for the day.

3) All of Romans 8. Way better than a body wrap.

Enjoy your wednesday!

working it out

I was talking recently with a friend about our inevitable upcoming move to Boston and friendships and best friends and the like. Truth be told, I’ve always been a best-friend kind of girl. I like to have them, to hold them close. I like to work hard to love my friends well and in general, I just like women. While I’m a massive introvert and need time alone, a coffee date with two or three of my closest tends to bring a good amount of joy to my heart. I had best friends in college, who stayed best friends. I had a best friend in Charlotte, who became my best friend who moved to Seattle when I did. And sure enough, I’ve made some best friends here. That phrase starts to sound silly after a few sentences right? Like a seventh grader asserting her claims and wearing matching bracelets.

Anyhow, my wise friend was telling me that it was really beautiful the way she saw her mother kind of working out her salvation at home. She knew her mother had friends and had accountability, but if it was a bad day – she didn’t rush off to a coffee shop to meet some women, she prayed right there with her children. Which of course got me thinking about my own life and sanctification and the role I allow my family to play in it.

To start the dialogue, I turned to my very best woman friend ever, my sister. I asked her what she thought – because she’s a best friend kind of girl too, and she agreed. It was sort of a novel, fresh idea. Instead of striving to make our husbands chief of our relational worlds – what if they just were? What if on bad days and good days, our kids were allowed to see the work of the Spirit within us and we shared with them the praise of His name when fruit began to grow? She agreed, it was something to think about – and more importantly, if that was the way the Lord led my heart – it would be essential to give Glory a sister so she has a built-in best friend before she meets her husband.

The whole time I was discussing this with my sister, we were skyping so we could see each other’s sweet faces, and my husband was sitting on the couch nearby. When I brought up the topic with him, his response was really beautiful and wise because he pointed out the fact that most of the big issues I mull over in my heart are not taken to him first. He reminded me of a few big things I’ve been praying through and thinking through – and how he’s seen me talk to other women about it and not necessarily ever mention it to him. Even this new idea I’ve been thinking about, I talked to my sister about it first – without really asking his opinion.

What a shame, right? Here I am, with this complex and confusing heart that is kind of desperately wanting to be grown by Jesus and I bypass the one person (and the three little people) who see and feel the effects of it daily. My thoughts, prayers, big ideas, dreams, fears, desires, and convictions tend to stay locked in my head until I have time to package them up neatly and give them to women for consideration or sit down in a quiet space and type them up.

And of course, there is something to be said for protecting your family a little. The last thing that needs to happen is me confessing me body image issues to a two year old or collapsing on the floor in front of Nick to rehash my day when he walks in the door. But what if I gave them my prayers and confessions first? If in the middle of a fit of despair, I sat on the floor and asked the kiddos to pray and read the Word with me, rather than reaching to text a friend? What if I made more of my relationship with these four other amazing people in my family than I did of the handful of women the Lord has blessed me to be friends with? It would be so beautiful if my husband was more than my “best friend” in theory, if his company & council was sought after quantitatively more and not just figuratively more.

So I’m still overwhelmingly thankful for the women God has put in my life. I still want to enjoy them, sharpen them, skype with them, laugh with them and give them all those things in return. I still want to learn how to be a better friend, how to encourage and spur and listen well. But for now, my chief pursuit in the area of relational living will be learning to work out this beautiful salvation at home. With my four best friends.

crazy week

What a crazy week coming up.

Nick and I just looked at our schedule and said, "well... see you next Monday!". Between him working extra hours and jobs and having grad school this weekend and me having a few random events - we're not both home one night together.

Thankfully the Lord sustains.

Also thankfully we hit up the library together this weekend.

When the husband's away, the wife will read.

I wish I could pretend that I just pulled a random bunch of books together to make a good picture but I'm actually literally reading all of these books right now. Do I have literary commitment issues?

thoughts on quitting

As previously mentioned, this week I'm thinking a lot about the good portion.

Where am I wasting time, energy, and effort in my life - when I could be sitting at Jesus' feet or doing precisely what it is He desires of me. I'm reading two books right now (both by Carolyn Mahaney) that are intersecting at just the right point to put me on high alert concerning the use of my time. Feminine Appeal is dedicated to the worthy pursuits of a Titus 2 woman and Shopping for Time is a quick little read that revolves around the Mary/Martha struggle and finding time for what is important.

So what's important? I think Titus 2 gives us a clear answer and I'm trying to whittle my life back down to those worthy pursuits. The hardest part so far is stripping away the unnecessary. The first thing to go for me is going to be the dreaded facebook.

I really never thought it would come to this. I don't necessarily think I'm addicted to facebook and I don't even have a phone that updates me constantly with is going on. But something happened the other day that made me start thinking.

I had just read the Mary/Martha passage and I was praying that God would show me "the good portion" in my life. The kids and I went on a walk and there were about a zillion dandelions in this big field we were playing in. Glory and Elias looked so beautiful and sweet just running all through the flowers. Immediately I thought... "Hm... I have no camera, no phone, no flip to capture this on. No computer to twitter about it and no way to capture it whatsoever." And it was still so sweet. It made my heart sad that for a half a second it didn't feel as beautiful because I couldn't share it with cyberspace. I asked the Lord to burn the picture into my memory but then I got to thinking...

Are my memories, thoughts, stories, and pictures just as special if I never share them with others and MOREOVER are my memories, thoughts, stories, and pictures less special because I'm comparing them with everyone else's seventeen times a day when I check facebook? Did my backyard picnic just get blown out of the water by the park-day someone else just updated about? Or was it still beautiful and amazing, nonetheless?

So I'm not like deleting my account or anything. I mean it is just plain fun to be on like a thirty comment thread about something hilarious. And I love to see pictures of family and far-away friends. I'm still going to check it once a day for community sake, or else I think I'd never see any friends. I just need some time off, some time away to make sure my dandelion fields are just as beautiful as they should be.

the good portion, videos.

yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

I would like you to take note of a few things.

a) how often Glory pummels Benja.

b) how totally used to it he is.

c) their maniacal matching laughs. they kill me.

d) Elias, seriously - "let the peace of Christ rule your heart?" stop it! well, don't.

e) that crazy noise Glory is making is her new semi-language. It's like combining speaking in tongues with latin.

so, those are my good portions for today.

the good portion

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman name Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

I think at this point in my life, it would feel quite fitting to just refer to myself as Martha.

This week on my blog is dedicated to the good portion.

FInding it. Enjoying it. Sharing it.

Please discuss here.

I apologize in advance.

I guess you could say it all started here. Some well meaning bacon and a recipe.

In truth, it started with this food network special on bacon - where we saw this donut place that makes bacon maple apple donuts. Nick loves bacon, Elias loves bacon. I'm sure Benja will love bacon as soon as I give it to him. I just want to make my boys happy.

Is that really so bad?

But I want to make my girl happy too, so I let her cook with me - which makes her whole life.

Elias heard there was bacon, so he came around. And made his cute new scrunchy nose face.

And then they spilled the cookie cutters. So, that was fun for a while.

Benja didn't give me the memo that we were supposed to wear makeup.

Here's the salad I made to distract myself from the warm crispy bacon filled donuts calling to me from the counters.

Oh gosh, and then came the maple glaze.

Some people put sprinkles on their sweets, I say - let's put some pig up on there ya'll.

It was a delightful Thursday.

How could it NOT have been?

(Please make those donuts and have an amazing Friday. My gift to you. I'm sorry for any residual pounds that may occur from the inevitable over-consumption of these donuts.)

my day in pictures

Yesterday I made some homemade butter which is THE EASIEST thing in the world. Heavy whipping cream & a little bit of ice cold water in the blender. It is DELICIOUS. The only problem, now I want to eat butter constantly.

UGH - this is seriously my favorite mail gift ever. EVER. Remember those mugs I blogged about? My mom sent them to me! And you know what, I LOVE the cute little metal holder. They just fit right there, perfectly and I love them. Love them. Thank you mama.

I call this picture "mommy just wanted to watch oprah".

I NEVER watch Oprah. I never watch adult tv during the day, ever. I know what will happen. Complete rebellion. But today, the cast of Glee was on Oprah and I wanted to see it so bad. So I set up the kiddos with some coloring and Benja and I sat in front of the tv for about 3.5 seconds. This is what we came back to.

And I call this picture, "almost a sleepover". Could those two BE any cuter? I love you, Silas.

It was a really beautiful Wednesday.

Butter, four napping kids under four, coffee, about fifteen seconds of Oprah.

I can't stop.

Help me. I can't stop myself.

It's 9:06pm and I need to make a grocery list, go to sleep, work on design stuff, do some laundry. Something other than what I'm doing.

What is that?

Putting together outfits to fit the event/blog design pics from yesterday's blog.

Seriously?!

#1: Playdate goodness.

Ok - is anyone else in dire need of a romper? I need one stat. And I know these shorts look shorty-short, but keep in mind I'm five-foot-short and these would reach my calves basically. No one alert the modesty police.

#2: Coffee date delight.

Granted, those bangles would get annoying if I was typing - but the hint of purple would just make me smile each time I saw it. And can you see those flats are STUDDED? And at the end of the day: cropped boyfriend jeans + an americano = happiness.

Lastly, the at home date.

I need those pants ten minutes ago. Cropped Linen Slouchy Yoga pants. All words I like. And for all of my real-life friends who don't believe I'd actually wear a short sleeve shirt (I have issues) - you should know, I'm on my way to reformed. I even wore a short sleeve shirt in public a week ago. Without puking from anxiety.

Now, for the real kicker.

Everything is from Forever 21 and everything is under $20.

Go buy it allllll!

And you're welcome to vote on these too, but most importantly I'd rather you blog about this yourself so I can see you "dream" outfits. (I suppose my real dream outfits would come from Yves Saint Laurent or something... this is like the semi-realistic-but-not-really dream outfit).

Enjoy:)

pick some scenery

I'm in the middle of a bunch of fun design projects but wanted to work on something a little selfish. I need a new fresh spring look for the old blog. I keep putting it on my to-do list like it's going to take ten minutes ago but let's get real - I need to seriously think it out and love it or I'll change it eighteen times in a week. So, here's three different directions I could potentially head. Would you please vote and feel free to post any suggestions?

Direction A.

playdate inspiration

the closest to my real-life colors and this little combo makes me feel peaceful.

Direction B.

This is inspired by the 2 or 3 hours a week my husband gives me at Starbucks each week.

starbucks & marigolds - makes me want to write with a real carbon pencil or something.

Direction C.

Inspired by our most recent at-home date. Farmhouse cheese, apples, and wheat sourdough and if I had my way - we would've had coffee out of these feminine little floral mugs. Feminine and subtly bold. Just like a reformed future church planter's wife on an at-home-date. Did I just make a joke? I think so.

So, vote please.

And wait for the finished product. Hopefully I'll get to it before spring is over:).

redemption, 3.2

.... continued from yesterday.

The only way I know how to begin putting the key of knowledge (Christ) back into my parenting is by explicitly explaining why I’m disciplining and correcting them. Hopefully I’ll get to stop saying it soon because we’ll both figure it out – but for now, I say this about six times a day: “ok – I know you can’t just change your heart and love your sister right now. What I’m asking you to do is to trust me and know that your sweet little Glory is worth protecting and you need to be gentler with her. Let’s pray that you will practice doing that well and while we’re at it – we’re going to pray for your salvation so that one day God will change your heart and will show you the true way to love”. Because what’s the alternative….? Saying “CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE!” or “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR SISTER BETTER?” OR “SERIOUSLY, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!” (ps – I’m guilty of having said all of those.

I was reading a wonderful book the other day about biblical femininity and it was encouraging women to abandon the picture of traditional family as our idol. Because if we believe the gospel is true, our main goal should not be well-adjusted, clean, patient, mild-mannered, scripture-memorizing, precious children. Our goal, our fervent prayer and desire should be children captivated by the grace and mercy of Jesus – leading them to faith in Christ and a devotion that causes them to be patient, God-fearing, and sure – respectful. But I see hope in their sin and their humanity and their fallen messiness, just as I do in my own. If I don’t know that they’re broken, will I be faithful to remind them of their great need in Christ? I fear that if I had it all together or they did, just for one day – we’d all be tricked into thinking we’re ok on our own.

Redemption for mothers (and fathers!) is real and active and unfortunately, we can’t just go about letting them sin and pillage our homes. We have to guide them and teach them and instruct them in normal society or they’ll be cannibals by the time they’re three. At least Glory will be.

But I also won’t cut out the key of knowledge and I won’t convince them they’re ok without Him. Redemption in parenting for me right now looks like asking the Lord to convict me when I’m putting burdens on them that they just cannot and should not bear. It looks like repenting to the Father and other mothers when I’ve judged their children for their sin and encouraging them when they’re worried their two year old is messed up. And, asking them to encourage me when I’m worried about the same. It looks like walking forward seeking my own redemption and thanking Jesus for allowing me to continually see my brokenness and theirs – so that whenever my eye spies something lovely or attractive or even slightly obedient, I will praise Him who made such things – rather than myself.

Some things I'm reading to help -