grown up summer wishlist

This year my oldest son has made his very own summer wishlist. While I was overwhelmed by his serious cuteness, I couldn't help but be intimidated and decided that I needed to retaliate with a list of my own.

So, without further ado, here is my grown-up summer wishlist.

1. He wants to make sure he eats lots of ice cream and goldfish,

I'd like to lose the last of the baby weight from his pregnancy three years ago.

2. He wants to go see family on the opposite coast,

I would like to survive the cross-country flight with a

one year old, two year old, and three year old.

3. My son would like to go to school this summer,

which clues me in to the fact that he's not really aware of the whole concept of "summer" just yet. I would like to freeze time and gaurantee that he never goes

to school and stays my three year old who likes to sit beside me and goof off all day.

4. He would like to watch Cars, the movie.

I would like to not have the whole movie memorized.

Turn right to go left! Guess what? I tried it, and you know what?

This crazy thing happened - I went right!

5. While "cooking ice cream" is on his list,

eating without my dairy allergy flaring up is seriously on mine.

6. He wants to have a picnic, I want to get over my fear of bugs.

7. "Get a new toothbrush" is on his list, "remember to brush Elias' teeth" is on mine.

8. Going to the beach is one of his plans,

and I hope to wear my first bathing suit since birthing him.

9. He would like to go on an "eating date" with Daddy and

I am definitely stealing that one.

10. He wants to play ball and

I want to get some quality time in playing my Twilight board game.

That's right I said it. I already own it.

So Mamas, what is on YOUR grown up summer list?

hope

Merriam Webster defines an existentialist as someone who embraces diverse doctrines but centers on the analysis of of individual existence in an unfathomable universe and the plight of the individual who must assume ultimate responsibility for acts of free will without any certain knowledge of what is right or wrong.

That's a mouthful, but without dissecting the idea too much - I'm pretty sure I was an existentialist in the years before I met Jesus. My mind was obsessed and filled with petty things, even then I was such a worrier... I worried a lot about my looks, my friends, my popularity. I worried about my grades and getting in trouble, I worried about my top teeth being crooked. I obsessed over celebrities and replayed conversations, examining the light I left myself in when interacting with others. But somewhere, beneath the selfish ambitions and thoughts - I worried about deeper things.

I just knew there had to be more. I heard some of the Bible in church and knew a good deal about Christianity and religion, but something in me ached for truth. Cleansing, piercing, freeing truth. I have a super redolent memory of being in my early teen years, sitting in the back of my mom's car - alone. My mom and sister had run into a store on an errand and while on the outside I'm sure I was exuding my normal self-obsessed junk, on the inside - I was grappling with my existentialism. I was so messed up, had such horrible innate failings inside me... and I just wondered in what way I'd pay the piper. Whoever he was. I still remember what I was wearing, sitting in the back of the car, looking out the window - just begging. Would someone fix me? Would someone make this all worth something? It sounds dramatic, I'm sure - because how bad can life be when you're in your early teen years living in the suburbs?

Not that bad. But I just wanted there to be a purpose.

The day Jesus transformed my life was totally different. I wasn't begging, wasn't searching for any answers, wasn't calculating my response. I was in a church, facing a crowd of believers (including my mother and sister) and I saw something on their faces that I could all of a sudden name. Hope. Hope. Hope.

And that's what happened. In an instance and then, slowly over time, I got to know the heart of my Savior and the love of my Lord. The best thing He had to offer me was hope. I was a mess, but there was hope that He'd change me. I had no direction, and He'd give one. And sweetly, all the answers I'd looked for all pointed back to Him. What did I do with my life? Live for Him. What if I messed up? He forgave me. What about when I get discouraged? He lifts my eyes. What does He lift them to? The glory of His own resurrected face.

Who knows why I can't get these thoughts out of my head lately, but I'm so thankful they're there. Most days recently, I find myself saying, "I'm so glad I'm not an existentialist anymore!". You know, in between, making pb&j's and changing the 3rd poopy diaper in four hours. And on those days, I can't help but think about everyone else. About you, about the lady sitting next to me in Starbucks, about the people of Boston who keep my husband awake at night. What do you think about hope and are you worried about right and wrong and excuse me, lady at Starbucks, do you mind if I interrupt your reading so we could talk about this. Are you an existentialist or a communist or a Buddhist or anything and are you tired? Can I tell you about hope? Could we talk about literally the only hope of the world, Jesus Christ?

Because that hope is life changing.
Through Him we have obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:2-5

Those aren't words to shrug off. I want to build them like blocks around my bed and use them to climb out in the morning. Because whether you're changing diapers all day or fighting fires or serving coffee, it's hard to get out of bed in the morning if you're not really headed anywhere. But suffering and endurance and character-building, those things I will sign up for, as whole-heartedly as I'm humanly capable of, because hope does not put us to shame.

*** no innocent ladies reading at Starbucks were harmed during the writing of this blog ***

summer list

I've read so many sweet blogs of moms with older children who have these precious to-do lists for the summer and thought, "I cannot wait until that is us!". I just never realize how un-babyish my babies are these days.

Imagine my surprise when, this morning, Elias starts freaking out, wrecking the house, saying, "I can't find my list! Where is my list?! My summer list?!" Say what, big boy? I quickly figured out he was imitating a scene from an Arthur movie we'd gotten at the library and it was so cute, I couldn't help but ask him if he wanted to make as summer list, which of course - he did!

So, we got out some paper, started writing, and when it was all said and done - we had to pray over that list because some of it seems a bit lofty. It inspired me to dream a little bigger about what I want the summer to be like and ask the Lord to fulfill those things that are in accordance with His will.

Before I get too serious... here is my sweet boy's very first summer list.

- go on an airplane

- watch Eloise, the movie (this was Glory's)

- go to Nonny's house

- go to the beach

- go on a boat and see something

- play with Abel

- go to a campfire

- get a new toothbrush

- eat some goldfish

- eat some ice cream

(I swear he doesn't only eat veggies all day)

- go to the zoo

- go swimming with Nonny

- do fire with daddy (this one scares me a bit)

- go to class at Nonny's church

- Ruby come to my house

- go on a bus

- go to school

(I'm going to have to get a little creative here)

- watch Cars movie

- go to the track and run

- walk to the store & get a treat

- eat pasta at Silas' house

- cook ice cream

- play outside in a bathing suit

- eat some corn.

- go with James to Kanah & Grace's house

- go on an eating date with Daddy

(yeah, buddy - me too)

- have a picnic

- play upstairs with Tullie & Ellison

- do swimming

- go to the library

- go on a boat with Pop.

- play ball.

Yeah, no babies here.

We've got a straight up BOY on our hands.

And I love him.

an early summer day

My kids are making me fall in love with summer.

Today, we didn't feel tempted to turn on the tv once and I don't think one toy was played with.

The "big" kids started out with some outside playing while Benja napped and Mommy read.

Then we walked to "our track" at a nearby school for some laps and ball.

Then played outside which led to eating outside.

Which led me to remember taking this picture last summer.

Which led me back inside to cry a little and feed this cutey some lunch.

And that one on one time caused him to think he was the king of the day.

His confidence caused me to have quite a clean-up.

But giving the little one some alone time means giving the big ones some time for mischief.
Which led to this.

And this.

But in the end, I had three babes, exhausted and worn out, and clean. Ready for naptime.
I love early summer.

Mama Manifesto

So I am super, super, super excited that I'm now going to be writing for one of my favorite websites! If you haven't already checked out Mama Manifesto, you need to immediately! They have amazing content for moms, or women in general about all facets of life! Recipes, musings about motherhood, social awareness, and going granola!

How many exclamation points can I use today?! Lots!!!!

So head over there today and everyday! Oh, and DEFINITELY check out their amazing giveaways and grab a button, too, ok? I'll be posting there at least every Wednesday and while today is a repeat, I'll try and keep it fresh friends:).

Happy Wednesday!

homemaking fail.

I think this is probably fairly good timing.

I'm in the midst of a three part series on on grocery/meal planning - which is funny because I love most of the feedback I'm getting about it. Mostly, I think it's causing a good amount of people to laugh at my compulsive planning, which I think is a really good thing to laugh at.

So, my list fail.

(I LOVE lists. Every once in a while Elias will even get out a pen and

paper and play "list" with me. I think he's trying to speak my love language.)

First - a backstory.

A week or so ago, I was at the grocery store alone, which is not normal. Usually sometime over the weekend, Nick and I take all the kids to the grocery store and we do family shopping. I take Benj in my cart, Elias and Glory go with Nick and we do it in teams, with them running little errands around the store for me. I LOVE IT! We get to talk about food, teach the kids about produce, and when I forget something on my list - Nick helps out.

.... But this time I was ALONE. I got everything on my list except for "pjcheese".

If you don't know what "pjcheese" is, you're in good company - because even though I'd neatly written out the list in meticulous order, I couldn't remember what "pjcheese" was to save my life. I almost asked a worker. As we were unloading groceries, Nick casually asked, "Did you happen to get the pepper jack?". List fail #1.

So this week, we had a running list of things going we needed at Target - to finish spending our awesome $100 giftcard that Nick had won from The Beautiful Mess (go check out their wonderful photography). We were both contributing to the list on our chalkboard and when I went to transcribe it to paper... of course, I was dumbfounded.

FF? ff circled? What does that meeeeeaaaan?

At first I blamed Nick, but after we dissected how I wrote F's and how he writes F's, I had to face the music. My abbreviation skills had failed me.

Sometimes even a good meticulous list can't help you remember that your son needs flip-flops.

Sometimes even a sweet little beauty like this can't help you either.

And while she has nothing to do with the story, I threw in some ff's for her too.

meal planning numero dos.

Ok, these steps are the meat of the operation so I'm going to walk you through slowly.

If at anytime you think that I'm too anal about this or should probably just calm myself down and not write EVERYTHING out all the time, you're probably right.

But, this is how I roll.

So let's start this thing off right.

Get your computer, your notebook, your calendar, your water bottle (hydration is key), and any cookbooks you'd like to have.

If a scented candle or some Kenny G helps, I say go for it.

- Double check your calendar for your week plans, how will they affect how you can make dinner and if there are any extra events you forgot.

- Then I write in the absolutes. What do I absolutely know will happen this week and what foods will I need to make.

.... so this is sort of a boring meal planning week for me. I only really have three dinners to plan! But if I have a dinner to plan at all, this is where I turn.

(insert angelic music)

I LOVE this cookbook. It's simple, very healthy, and not too complicated recipes to boot.

- A word on budgeting: This is a good time to look at your absolute meals and see how you should base the rest of your week. So, this week in particular, I can see my absolute M.F.C. (see last post) are kind of high budget. So I know automatically, I want to keep my other meals vegetarian and cheap if possible.

.... and this is what I settle on.

Saturday: roasted veggies (for me) and grilled cheese sandwiches (Nick's fave) with some maple-glazed plantains because I've had some plantains for like a week, trying to get those suckers ripe.

Monday: veggie pad thai. Nick's fave.

Wednesday: I'm making the same thing for us that I'm taking to the new-baby-family so we can double up on ingredients.

Thursday: I'll be at a baby shower, so I'll make Nick and the kids the most non-gluten free/dairy-free thing possible: homemade cheese pizza.

Friday: Nick will most likely be gone so I'll feed the kids something fun and kiddish and make my personal favorite meal, kale & quinoa salad.

Then, to get really meticulous, I give each meal a letter - then break down what ingredients I know I'll need by meal. This way I can see what ingredients will do double duty for meals.

Now, back to inspiration. Jillian's is my cookbook du jour for healthy goodness, but for special occasions, I like to hit up a little Giada.

So that's where my watermelon-basil-skewers recipe is from.

My fried chicken recipe is literally Paula Dean's. I wasn't kidding yesterday.

For other internet inspiration, I love www.katheats.com, www.thefoodnetwork.com, and www.bethenny.com. Almost every week, I pick up a new cookbook from the library, read it like a novel, and tuck away the ideas or recipes for an upcoming week.

Also, watching the food network helps too.

Lastly, one more note on budgeting. This is a weird trick.

I shop almost exclusively at Trader Joe's and over time I've noticed that if I multiply the number of items on my list by $3, it is almost always an accurate to the total of my grocery bill - within about $5. So for my big meals, I'm already at $75. This is good to keep in mind when making my final list that includes produce, snacks, and drinks. It might be that we choose not to get processed snacks for the kids that week and stick to apples or I might not get premade black tea, and make my own instead to stay close to budget.

If you shop somewhere else, you could measure your average per list item over time too!

ok, next week I'll move on to lunch planning, kids food, and breakfasts.

and then dun, dun, dun,

the final list!

Meal Planning (part 1 of 62)

Ok, I promise there won't be 62 parts.

I just really like talking about meal planning.

And as I meet more women who don't particularly love it, I feel inspired to inspire!

So I thought, why not do a step-by-step non-tutorial by someone who doesn't know exactly what she's doing but loves it with a passion nonetheless.

So part one is titled: what you got and who you're seeing.

It's simple really. Somewhere around Wednesday or Thursday, I start spying our cabinets for m.m.f. (meal making food). Not apples or bananas or oatmeal, but basics that I know I won't use before Saturday that I can build a meal out of. This week it just happened to be black beans, quinoa, potatoes, rice flour pasta, pesto, and red onions.

The very next thing I list out is what community events I'm making food for. I almost always need to make something for community group and the person who organizes our meals for community group (shout out to Angie, holla!) is always super organized so we know weeks in advance what sort of meal we're having and then we just sign up for what we want to contribute.

Hellloooo run on sentence.

Now, I also have a new little homemaking theory that I'd love to share. I love making meals for new moms and families during hard times, but my new weekly goal is to make a meal for friends who also could just use a break for one meal! We literally, never, eat out and I know how exhausting it is to make 3 meals a day, 365 days a year. So - if I'm not making a meal for a new mom or we're not having friends over for dinner, I've started asking the Lord to give me another family to bless!

You know how GirlTalk has the 5 o'clock club?

Someday I would like to make a "random meals for friends" club:)

And then you have to consider events that you'll bring meals to.

So here is our M.F.C. (meals for community, obvi) this week.

- Father's Day cookout with friends: fried chicken.

(because you can only watch Paula Dean during naptime for so many days in a row without wanting to make fried chicken)

- Community group: sweet potato salad.

- Meal for new parents: pesto pasta with chicken sausage & brownies

- Baby Shower appetizer contribution: watermelon basil skewers and mini frittatas

ok. So now I know what I've got and the big events/meals I need to work around.

Next up: inspiration, budgeting, and meal planning.

And then: kids meals/lunch & breakfasts.

------------- Now, let's go ahead and give an "I'm not normal" disclaimer. First of all, I have three small, small children and if I want to have any sort of peace, I have to plan things ridiculously meticulously*. So, if you don't have three small children, or you don't like to plan, or you do better flying by the seat of you pants - I say own it. Don't spend a minute meal planning and you'll probably be better off:) ----------------

(sidebar: if I ever write a memoir of these years it will be titled, "Ridiculously Meticulously". That or "Eating Breakfast Standing Up")

now, that was fun to write.

penelope & ruby

It all started with an innocent game of mommy & baby.

Glory was sweetly caring for her baby; bottles, lotion, rocking to sleep. Elias was the proud uncle and Benja was enjoying the break from her babying him.

Her baby's was named Penelope.

Then Elias decided he wanted to be a daddy, too!

My heart leapt! Of course he would want to be a daddy, when he has such a fantastic one!

He named his sweet little girl Ruby. An ode to his auntie I'm sure.

Until Glory realized she'd rather be a Daddy than a Mommy.

Insert full on tantrum, flailing arms and kicking legs. Tears, tears, tears.

"I WANT TO BE A DADDY!"

I just sat beside her lifelessly and Nick looked on too.

Of course you do, sweet girl, it's our curse. Just read Genesis 3:16.

Nick just looked at her sadly and said, "Go ahead and get it all out now sweet girl".

We let her cry until she started hitting the baby.

Cause, come on - it's not the baby's fault that she's the mommy and not the daddy.

Fast forward ten minutes and Elias is still trying to figure out how to swaddle the baby and Glory has moved on to playing "super princess" with the cape and everything.

I promise you, I can't make this stuff up.

Be encouraged today moms, you might think in your heart it's easier to be the daddy than the mommy - but at least God has made you innately good at swaddling.

Dear mom,

Dear mom,

Five years ago, as I was being an annoying college-aged bridezilla, you spent some well-meaning time laboring over a wonderful photo slideshow for our wedding reception. I can't imagine what trouble you went to to contact all my friends and Nick's family and get such sweet pictures - but I do well remember when we decided to ditch the slideshow in the midst of the reception because we couldn't get it to work.

I could see you were disappointed but I was so concerned about keeping the all important reception-schedule, we decided to just watch it the next day at the post-wedding brunch. Please forgive me, can we blame my dismissal of your important slideshow on my dieting psychosis caused by living off of bran muffins and diet coke for weeks? Please?

I hope I can make it up to you now.

This week the kids and I were looking for a cd to listen to and came across the dvd, "nick and jessi wedding". I think it might be the recording of our ceremony, so I popped it in and was pleasantly surprised to see it was the slideshow. The tears were rolling as soon as I heard the opening notes to "my girl". As the four of us watched childhood pictures of me roll by, I loved that they both thought they were just seeing pictures of Glory and as Nick's baby pictures passed, they thought it was Elias. Super sweet.

When it got to the pictures of Nick and I, my heart was overwhelmed. How is that I love my husband a million times more than the day we got married? I know I really loved him on that day, but it barely feels fair to compare the emotions I had that day the same as what I have today. What I find in my heart today is entirely different.

We've got nothing to offer one another. No riches, no fame, no wisdom, no glory. Little comfort, very few possessions, and on this particular day - we were incredibly broken-hearted. For the fallen world we live in, for our own sin, for just how hard life is. Two broken, sinful people came together to make a family and on our best days - we've got nothing left over for one another but hope in Christ.

And now we have this slideshow to look back on and thank the Lord for the faithfulness He's shown to us and the devotion He's instilled in us for one another.

It was beautiful.

Love you, Jessi

a time for mourning

A few months ago, I was preparing to take a meal to a friend who'd just had her fourth baby. Despite it being a hectic day, I found time to whip up some eggplant parmesan and Nick came home early so I could go alone to get it to her house in time for dinner.

When I escaped and drove to Jackie's, I was overwhelmed with the fact that although she'd just given birth to her fourth baby, Zeke, her home was much more peaceful than the one I'd just left. She had homemade granola for me to take home, and a sweet gift for my husband too. Jackie is peaceful, wise, life-giving, and she loves Jesus so much. A friend and I decided that if there was someone we needed to be learning from, it was her. She's been gracious to welcome us into her home every few weeks, encourage us about our marriages and home-life and in general, point us to Jesus.

Glory thinks Jackie is Snow White or Sleeping Beauty, she can't decide which - but she definitely believes "Miss Jackie" is a princess. We love their whole family so much and we'd love if you'd pray for them.

Our heart is breaking for the Jarawan family. Sweet Zeke went to be with Jesus yesterday. Would you pray for miraculous comfort for their family? I can't begin to imagine their sorrow and shock, but I know well their strong faith in Jesus and I'm thankful for it.

words get in the way.

The truth is,

I'm a wannabe foodie.

My relationship with food has traveled from frequent-fad-dieter to diet-food-consumer-extradinaire (think lots of diet coke and protein bars) to curious-about-nutrition and has landed somewhere now in absolutely-in-love-with-real-food-and-produce-and-learning-more-about-it.

I'm a fan of all of it! The science! The taste! Learning about organics! Eating for you blood type! Gluten free! Dairy free! and on and on and on.

So here is my tribute to food bloggers, because if I didn't have kids and I had infinite time on my hands, I'd be one. I'd subject the internet to seeing pics of my meals three times a day for sure.

For now, I just subject my husband to my over-excitement and recitation of Michael Pollen's food rules. Just kidding. Sort of.

you can't be off to a bad start here. mango, tomato, cilantro.

to that I added some lime juice, garlic, orange.

whip up a little cilantro-lime vinagerette with goat cheese and honey.

I was almost ready to stop there and eat just that for dinner.

but then my husband grilled up this mahi mahi.

and he got it in tacos, while I took a salad.

avocado chunks, yes please.

at this point, Nick started pacing asking why in the world I was taking pictures when he so badly wanted to eat.

that's another good reason I'm not a food blogger. Can't make the husband wait for his food!

...........................................

Thank you, it was fun to pretend for a day.

If you want to read a REAL food blog, I suggest either of these two.

Kath Eats Real Food or of course, P Dub.

cookie monster

This is a true story.

I don't totally know how to describe my daughter in words, because when I write about her it doesn't seem true. But if you don't know me/her - try and read these words and believe them if possible. She is really, really beautiful. She is extremely high energy and could literally go an entire day without sitting down. She is very strong willed and constantly says, "I do not want to do that." BUT she is the most loving person I've ever met. She's going to make mama of the year one day because she is so nurturing and loving. She gives better hugs than most adults and when she hugs you, she also usually pats your back and asks if you're ok. All that being said, this is a true story.

Yesterday Glory got up from her nap after about 45 minutes, which is super typical. If I get her quickly enough, she'll lay on the floor with me quietly and so we did that.

The two of us, covered up by a blanket, on the floor facing each other.

And she starts stroking my face. I'm not even kidding.

Most loving child ever.

Then she said, "Mommy - you're my best friend?"

(this is not a phrase we've ever used with them, I'm assuming she's picked up on me saying "best friend" in relation to mine. And you know, I'm a reformed "best-friender", if you read this post. )

Of course I said, "yes, baby! I'm your best friend!"

And my mind started reeling with the sweet life the two of us had ahead.

When we picked Daddy up from work, I couldn't wait to tell Nick about it, couldn't wait to tell him how her little question had made my day and given me grand thoughts of our future and how we were going to have this beautiful, respectful, best-friend kind of relationship.

So I looked back to Glor and said, "Tell Daddy who your best friend is!"

Her response...

"COOKIE MONSTER!!!!!"

nevermind.

memories of myself

feb. 2007

Do you have a period in life you like to just sit and remember?

Women do this a lot right, even so much that we have to watch it's not becoming sinful or fantastical or obsession-filled replaying of a conversation we had in 11th grade. I mean, I don't do that - but you probably do:).

One of my favorite little seasons to walk through and remember is the month or so around Elias' birth. Sometimes before I go to sleep, I'll just sort of replay what it was like the night before he was born or remember curling up on the couch with him in the afternoons. I still remember every detail of my first day home alone with him, thinking it was totally normal and necessary that I read my entire Bible time out loud to him - and when Nick called to check on us, I told him earnestly that Elias and I had been praying for him. Sweet silly mama.

So yesterday, this one conversation from that period stuck out in my head. I was sitting with the pastor's wife of our church at the time and I think Elias was maybe a week old. She had brought me lunch with another friend, and since they were both mothers - they were sweetly checking in on me. I remember telling her that I was starting to feel like myself again and she made an odd face. Ashley had a two year old and a six month old and she sweetly told me that she was barely starting to feel like her self again.

That was a little jolting to say the least. I'm not amazing at transition and I just longed to feel normal again. To recognize my thoughts and my body and to be able to piece it all together again nicely. Lost fans - I'll put it simply like this. I needed a continuum so I didn't get a crazy Daniel-Faraday-type nose bleed, right?

Anyhow, that conversation has been on my mind today because I'm STARTING, just BEGINNING to MAYBE feel like myself again. Of course, a new different version - but I'm recognizing some sensations that may be associated with being your own person in Christ... not just a baby maker. Like, my body has purposes other than growing, carrying, feeding, and rocking children. I love that it does all of those amazing things - but it did other things before too. Also, my heart can be truly burdened for things other than my children's salvation and remembering what needs to go in our bag for the playdate tomorrow.

Cjane calls it "getting her spice back". I highly suggest you read Cjane. Heres's a post she wrote that I feel like explains this inexplicable fog mamas sort of have to live in. Yeah... Cjane says it so well. Vacuum lines. I think I love vacuum lines again! And using different colored pens to write in my Bible. And praying for cities. And showering. And delighting in my husband when he talks about his passions. And writing cards to friends. And wearing shoes! All while, fulfilling this massive duty that the Lord has given me of shepherding and caring for my children.

Three years later...

I'm starting to think about possibly beginning to feel like myself again.

And that feels right on time.

.....................................

I don't like when I can't articulate things well and this feels very inarticulate.

Because it is so hard to describe, right?! This crazy fog!

Any one else want to weigh in about this foggy season or another? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's talk here.